Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.

My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife

No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.

[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?

ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer

12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.

Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:

Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park

I wouldn’t describe myself as an “adult”, per se. More like a “long child”.

If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.

“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:

FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town

ME: No problem

FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?

ME: No they’re all wood

When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?

you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.

This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.

Digital security in Ancient Troy

“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”

– People who don’t have kids

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble

shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!

fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot

“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.

Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.

boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV

Friend: Does Jesus live in you?

Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.

Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”

~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~

Me, “I want a divorce.”

Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.