Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
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The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Its a hippotatomus
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*