Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.

I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…

I don’t make the rules sorry

Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.

huge if true: the moon

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator

When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:

-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”

I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.

My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.

The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture

My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.

My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her

God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference

Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.

If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

#NeverForget

[SyFy pitch meeting]

Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!

Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?

Me: All the time

My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.

My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now

Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.

This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.

Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars

[War in Heaven]

Lucifer: You must choose a side.

Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?