Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh good, now I can stop drinking

can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.

When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.

A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine

Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack

Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7

So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.

“Oh, I like your coat!”

“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”

I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.

Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?

Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.

Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life

There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.

My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be

I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”

Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?

It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.

I don’t even know where that is.

It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner

It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.

[boiling pot]

dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.

Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.

Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”

Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*

Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*

Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.

*returns to the present to find a world without children*

Could you play us a song?

Cat Stevens: Maybe.

*Sets guitar on table*

Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*

Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.

ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie

THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?

ME: Oh yeah