Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
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Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.