Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
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Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin