Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?

me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.

I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.

I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100

Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?

INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.

ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.

INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.

ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.

*in hell*

satan: dude you gotta stop following me around

me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward

I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like

can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in

In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny

Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe

Me: What do you sell here

Waitress: Just desserts

Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it

Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.

If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.

Me: But I was singing Britney Spears

Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”

Me: That’s a lyric

Bouncer: You were in the bathroom

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.

Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again

My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?

My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.

Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.

A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.

I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero

I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle

Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.

If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.

[husband reaching for me in bed]

me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit

In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.