Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
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ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao
All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.
If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.