Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”

Her:

Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”

Medic: “Step aside sir”

Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.

wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!

[later]

ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department

Can someone Venmo me $74,000?

I’ll take you camping.

Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related

Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.

a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping

Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?

dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house

Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*

Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!

me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?

6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!

me: aw, because I’m coming home?

6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”

I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.

*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*

me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it

Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded

Driving between speed cameras is called intermittent fasting.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.

At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.

I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.

Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?

Avocado pits are exceptionally useful, in some unexpected ways.

I once smuggled an avocado pit in my prison wallet when I had to go to jail for a bit.

Three days later. I carefully removed it then artfully carved a lockpick out of it. When I was caught a week later in Florida, I refused to tell them how I’d escaped. The sheriff who drove me back to prison told me I had balls.

If only he knew the truth.

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper