Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
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Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
This meal prepping shit easy
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.