Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?

Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.

Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.

If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.

Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.

Mario: you’re a dinosaur.

Yoshi: ok.

Mario: you can jump really high.

Yoshi: nice.

Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.

Yoshi: makes sense.

Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.

Yoshi: wait-what?

Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.

Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok

If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.

[antique store]

customer: I want something new for my living room

me: do… do you know what antique means

If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions

Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏

You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body

My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.

coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.

Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator

THAT is an influencer

BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.

Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.

Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.

There are 2 kinds of people in this world:

1. People who aren’t good with numbers

Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*

My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water

Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…

…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door

“You CAN even.”

– white girl life coach

toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french

Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse