Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
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I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Doctors texting each other.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar