Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
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Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
hmmmmmm
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?