Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Funny because it’s true. 🤣

my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid

If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card

A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.

Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.

Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold

*cue explosion*

PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN

*fade to black*

“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.

I bought a reusable straw so now I go by Captain Planet.

I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash

I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire

Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..

INTERLOCKED FINGERS?

send bail money!

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..

I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.

netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now

If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin

Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?

Audience: WOOOOOOOOO

Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm

BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.

WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”

completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions

Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart

Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.

Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.

Ghost: Death is coming for you

Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous

Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”

Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though

They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.

I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”

I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream

How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you

Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities