Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[texting with new girlfriend]

Her: What are you doing tonight?

Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp

Her: You’re adorable

Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems

My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol

Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist

When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball

A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.

Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.

me: [has anything]

my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that

[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger

DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”

ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”

ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.

Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.

“losing/taking virginity”

– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?

“sexual debut”

– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved

I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.

I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie

I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge

7: can we have an awake-over tonight?

me: an awake-over?

7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep

My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.

Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..

*dips cookie in barbecue sauce

bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit

The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled