Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
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alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
I hope it’s French Onion!
[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.