Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
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Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.