Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
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I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Shower sex be like:
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues