Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
