Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
[applying mascara]
Brain: open your mouth.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
It’s funny how my husband always talks me into going out to eat on the days I say I’m making salad for dinner.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
