Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
