Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

*drops mic, gets beat by security*

Friend: How was your job interview?

Me: I think I hugged him too long.

My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”

And now we wait…

mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates

me: Pop the champagne

you: Yay! What are we celebrating?

me: what

but that was my emotional support daylight

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded

If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.

Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.

Food: Are you sure.

Me: No.

You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids

I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!

[On a road trip]

Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!

Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.

As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.

Meow?

ME: “Aloe Vera”

VERA: “Aloe”

3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?

Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.

there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord

[bedtime]

DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.

ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.

DAUGHTER: …

ME: Night, sweetheart.

I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?

My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”

Have kids. It’s fun.

Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!

[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]

“what are you doing inside my house?”

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”

– every stoplight

I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.

OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.

I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.

Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.