Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?

Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable

[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.

Girl:

Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?

When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.

What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.

What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow

*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*

ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.

ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.

A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.

*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous

How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no

Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.

Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are

*calling 911 for the fifth time*
{breathing heavy & whispering} okay, the spider has just reached the ceiling

Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van

FRIEND: …and?

ME: that’s it i guess

Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!

Wife: But we d..

*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores

For all the people who doubted me:
You were right

When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.

Wife: You put the wrong date on this.

Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.

Wife: You wrote 1992.

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted

[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”

Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.

Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.

if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?

NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS