Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[GF comes home to find our son alone]

Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!

ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM

Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.

My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped

Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.

Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.

“Change is never easy…”

~McDonalds employees

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries

Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.

Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.

I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.

I’m the keen oat speaker.

*coughs*

a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention

INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé

ME: Thank you, I found it outside

Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL

law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class

me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now

[first day at prestigious culinary school]

“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”

Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion

A wise man once said nothing.

Husband getting dressed:

Me: Purple and green don’t go together.

Husband: It works for the Joker.

Me: My point exactly.

Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.

wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter

me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did

Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.

Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.

do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way

I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.

I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

*gets into trouble*

Trouble: Wrong hole.

So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.