Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.

her: so we could have sex

me: 🙁

her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with

me: 🙂

her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas

[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit

Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.

‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’

‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-

*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*

-was jumping in.’

I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon

Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.

CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore

also CEOs:

1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.

Him: What’s in your secret sauce?

Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*

Him: I knew it tasted weird.

I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.

Son: What’s dehydrated milk?

Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.

Me: Moocaine

Wife: Why are you like this?

Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”

“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger

Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”

Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”

Manager:“I need to see you in my office.

Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.

I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.

I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.

As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.

Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work

The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper

What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead

My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.

How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.

Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆

Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.

My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.

-I win