Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
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When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
How it started: How it’s going:
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.