Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?

I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.

Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time

I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.

friend: let’s meet up soon

me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though

[fast food management]

“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”

“What about ketchup?”

“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”

Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.

“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”

famous last (known whereabouts) words

every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion

I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”

“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”

Creator of Etch A Sketch:

We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.

Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.

This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.

Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.

DATE: I love spicy food.

ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.

I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.

My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.

The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.

6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?

Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.

Hank is one in a melon.

Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.