Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
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Black Friday at the LEGO store, people were lined up for blocks
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…
ME: whoa you guys serve here?
DOCTOR:…of tests.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
I don’t hate children, just yours.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”