Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

only targaryens can ride dragons?

explain this game of thrones

All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.

99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream

Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds

It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…

…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.

Omg like wtf
-me, praying

My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”

Him: I’m an English teacher

Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes

The sun got the nerve to be out.

Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING

[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man

[arriving in hell]

him: so what did you do?

me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea

When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.

You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves

I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.

Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”

11:34: Arrived at crime scene

11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle

11:34: Found murder weapon in drain

11:34: Realized watch was broken

my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs

Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.

Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.

My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.

I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.

Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.

Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.

“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous

“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children

And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.

Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks

I’ll be mad as hell!

Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”

Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”