“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
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*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌