“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
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geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
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Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have
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My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop