Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: I was going too fast?

Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze

Me: [eats ice cream slower]

I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?

Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.

Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.

If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG

BRITISH PERSON: cheerio

AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger

Waitress: Is this your grandma?

Me: My wife.

Waitress: …

Me: …

Waitress: I am SO sorry.

*walks away*

Grandma: Nice one. High five!

I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.

My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends

“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”

i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat

A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”

I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?

12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me

car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin

I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.

If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too

a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”

the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems

[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!

Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.

Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!