Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
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despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread