Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year

Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!

Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.

I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like

I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She’s mine

Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it

People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.

[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh

Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.

[interview]

Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?

[Interview with a Vampire]

Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!

Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*

Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.

On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.

Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was

I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years

As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.

I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.

Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.

There’s a disturbance in the coffee.

I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?

Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s

Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.

My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.

“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have

me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?

satan: yup

me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway

satan: you got it

me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?

Them: if you could be any animal wha-

Me: rotisserie chicken

we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us

😭😭😭

My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.