Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.

Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.

How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk

Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!

A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺

so this horse walks into a bar

The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.

I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….

I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.

never stops being funny

Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other

[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family

*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months

Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.

“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.

*text alert*

me: i hope that’s my crush

pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today

This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister

“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”

– inventor of the Band-Aid

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening

Her: that is literally what I just said

“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed

This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…

I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?

My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone

Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄

Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.

He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.

Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.

Twin: ya know how we always-

Me: -finish each other’s sentences!

Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER

Twin: so I had an idea…