Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
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When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Covid like
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
i feel so bad i refunded him
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
This is the coolest video you will see today.