Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
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Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Well, shit
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.