Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”

The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.

Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump

If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.

📸: @blessingmanifesting

#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth

Best seat on the street 😍

[4:30 AM]

Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep

Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen

me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs

proctologist: how many are in here

When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.

Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?

Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?

The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.

My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.

don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness

Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?

WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.

Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar

Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from women

Post-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon

An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.

Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.

What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space

Me: why don’t I have a gf

Him: have you tried asking someone

Me: no

Him: like her. Ask her.

Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf

doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news

me: omg, me too

Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.

Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.

Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel

psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips

3am

Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?

My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now

Waiter: May I take your order?

Yes, roll over and play dead!

Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.

Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.

Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants