Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
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I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
My bad habits got renewed for another season.
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME