Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*

my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao

My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.

When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

I’ve been doing dry January, but it’s literally just been my lips and skin

Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.

Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no

As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.

Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”

I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.

“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.

ME: are those new shoes?

HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…

ME: *tearing up* yes?!?

HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how

my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill

me: *just sitting there all 40*

Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.

Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.

My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.

I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.

Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.

[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go

Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead

If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️

“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”

“I’m sorry I feel that way.”

My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.

My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.

*[At the dinner table]*

“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”

sweet dreams💖