Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
You Might Also Like
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather