“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
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We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
incredible google review i just found
why isn’t he texting back
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
*cough*
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen