Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: i’m going to a concert

me: to see who

her: Bad English

me: sorry, to see whom

Now this is how you LinkedIn

*rolls up sleeves*

*gets high on sleeves*

ME: There’s something fishy going on here.

YOU: It’s just an aquarium.

ME: Exactly.

Me: can I buy you a drink?

Girl: no

Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right

interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”

me: that’s right

interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”

me: he was there

A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge

Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants

My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa

My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other

I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear

People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.

-inspirational tweet

Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.

Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth

Torturer: you shock him this time

Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle

Torturer: no not— wait really

Puts myself out there

Puts myself back bc wtfff

[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.

If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too

Wife: It’s fine

*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way

My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me

*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”

My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!

WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.

ME: Ugh fine.

[later]

WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?

ME: His name is torch now.

Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency

I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot

I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.

I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.

Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.

[1st date]

“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”

Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th

Me (drunk): I was over served tonight

Friend: aren’t you home alone?

Me: OVER SERVED!

We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.