“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
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If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.