Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
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Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
My neck, my back, my…
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
These 3D printers are insane!
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.
We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.