Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
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Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…
I’m never going to recover from this.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.