Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
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[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Windows
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?