“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
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Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
2 years later
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
no one ever comes back
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.