“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
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I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.