have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
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Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Hate it when i pull out a winter coat and there’s no money or drugs stashed in it
So creative 😂
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
decorating my apartment
