Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.

[Picking up a prescription]

Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical

Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.

Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?

yea so i messed up lol

What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!

One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.

Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!

Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?

I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.

I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.

*checks the hip hop section*

Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*

My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.

My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.

Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.

*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*

Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!

The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.

“what’s it like having a sister?”

Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?

Wife: *pumps shotgun*

I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.

Me trying to reach for my goals

Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option

I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise

Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails

Be the change you want to see in the world!

Me: *goes back to bed