Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?
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“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
rapatouille
we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite