Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism

partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard

me: yep

partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire

me: that’s right

partygoer: where did you two meet

me: tall chair store

(Seductively stripping out of clothes)

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

Detective: how were u able to do it?

Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder

I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store

After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…

Now what do I do?

Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”

My safe word is extra cheese

…in queso emergency.

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”

– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.

Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!

Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.

I’m prepared for anything.

Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.

Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea

Fish in the sea:

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”

Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?

Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.

Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.

By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.

I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.

I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.

In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.

Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think

Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end

My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up

Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.

I know this now.