have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
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Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
💯😂
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
-Ordering a pizza $40
-Having it delivered $5
-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home
Sliceless
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not