have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
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“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…
“Ow! I’m brined!”
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
so i’m at the stock market right
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”