@behindyourback

have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

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@jbfan911

to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of

@QwertyJones3

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

@daplusk

Hangovers: Where the spirits you drink the night before haunt you the next day.

@abbycohenwl

Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is

@punished_picnic

2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt

@hythemafia

How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12

@skedaddle74

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

@briancthayer

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.

@ElleOhHell

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.