have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
You Might Also Like
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
*sewing*
A thread
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
This will never not be funny to me.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.