have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
You Might Also Like
This is my pinned tweet
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
