Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
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My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
no exceptions
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?