Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.

I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.

dam girl

Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.

TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese

ME: Treese

HER: I hate you

If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.

Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.

What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.

[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]

Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.

<——-Wants the burger

<——-Needs the salad

ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?

When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.

First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.

(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”

At the International League of Assassins

Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?

Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.

DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*

Husband: *sleeping soundly*

Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?

With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.

Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat

Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.

[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]

The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.

he looks great for his age

[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!

First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.

I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?

P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.