Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
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I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”