have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng
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“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct
Pot warmers of the day.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
wtf is a larm clock?
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.