have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng
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Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
me: *drops banger tweet
them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers
me: *drops another tweet
them: oh, I see
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting