have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng
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I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?