Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.

😂

Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red

I’ll never reveal my secrets.

Alcohol: Lol.

Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.

I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.

In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.

[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”

Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.

Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*

“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,

Pee on it and walk away.”

Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.

I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.

the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars

*NEW*

For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.

PUNderwear ®

Comfort is No Laughing Matter™

If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info

God: But if you use your sting you will die.

Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?

God: Err…

Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish

Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else

Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”

Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.

Me :

All Day At Night

LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night

I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?

Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.

Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.

My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”