have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war
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COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
This will teach them to underestimate me
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself… Probably had it coming anyway
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.