have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war
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When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I’ll be mad as hell!
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.