have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war
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When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
I’ve been learning to cook.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room