have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood
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Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Fight
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Who says great literature is dead?
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.