Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

business tip.

INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productive

SAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”

Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”

VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)

My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”

Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week

Customize Your Wedding.

[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]

*sawing person in half*

Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*

Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”

i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them

ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview

THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage

I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1

Me: There’s a fly in my soup.

Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.

*puts a spider in the soup*

Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.

I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire

I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.

Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home

JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head

Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…

Witch: …but?

REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around

W: I’ll take it

Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.

It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge

I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.

DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor

“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”

– Hannibal Labradoodle

pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.

[yoga]

INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*