“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
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7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
[God making bears]
God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging
Angel: Aww
God: Hugs that will kill people
Angel: Wtf?!
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Dumple
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope