Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?

her: no thanks

me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho

this is so top tier i cant

man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

Let me make this abundantly clear

– window makers probably

If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless

[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*

my mom: you still coming over today?

me: definitely

mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—

me: i cant make it

Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart

“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.

-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were

Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad

Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth

I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?

*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?

-commercial for business cards

Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?

The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout

Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.

Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.

I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.

I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.

The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”

When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.

Getting up early would be easier if we could keep our eyes closed.

Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird

English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions

Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.

I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.

Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am

Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.