Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
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Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
This is painfully accurate 😅
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
synchronized noseblowing
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best