Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
You Might Also Like
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Brilliant!
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
that de-escalated quickly
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.
i said it was my favourite show, i didn’t say it was good
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.