Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
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It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
They also CAN sing✌️
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy