“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
bugs when you lift up a rock
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
