Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At the job interview]

“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”

“Would that be for the whole time?”

Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,

I found my bagpipes for tonight.

Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet

Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?

I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.

The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.

One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good

Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you

✨☝️✨

Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*

[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?

Me: *backs out of driveway*

“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus

Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.

[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out

“what’s it like having a sister?”

found a horse’s reddit account

The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.

Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.

The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.

morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes

me: they both taste exactly the same

morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?

me: OH MY GOD

Me: I got a new car!

Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?

Me: It’s red.

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number

shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream

me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*

Me: You look amazing with glasses.

Her: OMG thanks

Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.

I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.

I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.

The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?

Nope just me back from the gym

my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?

me: idk, want me to google it?

him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this

me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree

him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense

[interview]

Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?

Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”

Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.

*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*