Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
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Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
when you are just born a rebel
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers