Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cw: you have a call holding

M: put it in my voicemail

Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent

M: hiiii this is Jennifer

An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.

A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.

Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.

Dog: No, I’m mad at you.

I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.

Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?

Me: No, what?

Son: Camo meal

*we tearfully embrace*

Wife: JFC

Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years

British cheese: We briefly scared a cow

American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine

I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy

They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.

Me as a detective:

[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]

[evidence catches on fire]

no no no no

Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.

Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.

Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color

I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.

stages of eating a banana:

– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now

My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus

magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]

“What time is it?”

*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*

*Still has no idea what time it is*

“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003

I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted

Him: sex tonight?

Me: Work put me in a bad mood

Him: tomorrow?

Me: I have a headache tomorrow

I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse

is he marrying that labradoodle

My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”

That was last night and I still haven’t recovered

My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist

If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.

(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!

*all the adults start screaming*

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.