Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?
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My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Doctor: You have a disease
Me: Oh no!
Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise
Me: Oh no!
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs