Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?
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Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one. The dead body one
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.