Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?
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me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
mmm onion ringos
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep