Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?
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My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
A woman drives into a bar.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.