Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
You Might Also Like
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.