Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
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my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Accidentally wore a blue shirt to Walmart and now I’m in the stockroom showing Sue how to use the forklift.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this
Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???
6. me as a lawyer
