Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
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Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
new career option?
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.